- I was considering Having my mail stopped because it was too cold to go out and get junk mail every day. Is this really a minus, or is this genius??
– Therapy this week was about yet again realizing that I am not ready for kids even though I want to be. I know it is many small steps to do something large like recover from depression, but I’m desperate for my life to leap forward in some way.
– Gallbladder? No. Pain in gallbladder region? Mmm yes. My phantom gallbladder is haunting me.
+/- I am reading an awesome nonfiction book called The Baby Thief about Georgia Tann. I’ll get into it later. What’s minus about it is that it is a true story and that is truly terrible.
+ Egg nog ice cream
+ Cute puppies in pinterest
+/- Napping. Naps are inherently good and not evil. But this new psych. drug has me full-on sleeping through three out of six days this week. That’s bad. However I am ridiculously functional and productive when I am actually awake. And I’ve had no nightmares all week as opposed to every fucking night, my unfortunate modus operandi of late. So. Pluses and minuses.
+ My Facebook robin williams note continues to be misconstrued which is frustrating because I worked so hard to craft it. I am not suicidal now. I WAS. I did not write it for pity or comfort, or for notes about how much I am loved, I wrote it to be informative, to let people know that it’s closer to them than they think and it can surprise you who it affects. Maybe people want to say something and they don’t know what to say, so they send encouraging words. It’s frustrating to me because it’s totally missing the point of what I said. Did I already say that? Rant over.
– I told Todd about his surprise Christmas present because I can’t decide on the type of board game I want to make it into and I wanted his input on what he would enjoy. I kept that secret for almost a year, but ruined it four weeks before Christmas?!??? What is wrong with me.
+ the MRI machine that recorded my gallbladder on Saturday had Sirius radio built into it, so I got to listen to literally my favorite Joni Mitchell song, help me, and my favorite bob Seger song, night moves, whilst getting an MRI. Awesome.
+ new movie added to the favorites of all time ever list: About Time. Ugh it was so good! Critics did not appreciate it, but I already knew I hated critics.
+ we went and saw Hunger Games: Mockingjay part 1 on Saturday as part of our Christmas movie gift to each other of movie passes. I kept asking the adorable tween in her pj’s who was sitting next to me what was going on, and she was very obliging. If you haven’t read the books, definitely sit next to a tween girl.

I’m watching season 10 of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix and I JUST.CAN’T. with these slow, soulful covers of 80’s songs in every goddamn scene. It is driving me absolutely goddamn crazy. “Like A Virgin” by Amos Lee in Episode 22???? It’s just too goddamn much. And a cover of “Fame” on a show that has Debbie Allen??? Oh, too much. A cover of “Sister Christian”???? I CANNOT HANDLE IT!

German 15th Century (Swabian School)
Study of a Knight in Armor, Holding a Halberd, ca. 1500
Ink and wash, heightened with white, on brown prepared paper
National Gallery of Art, Washington, Woodner Collection

+ Todd is switching our blog hosting from 1and1.com to digitalocean.com, and I thought he said “digital lotion” and he laughed at me and it was funny and we laughed and “digital lotion” is a ridiculous name so I’m glad it’s not that name because I’m not sure I could trust a company with that name.
+ Only one doctor’s appointment today, and it was acupuncture, so that’s practically like a spa visit, except….
– She’s working on my gallbladder/ liver meridian and it involves some very sensitive parts getting needles and sending shocks through me, but at least….
+ This is my fourth session for this meridian and the pain is finally subsiding from my gallbladderectomy or whatever it’s called in June and it is amazing. Oh, to finally not be in pain!
– We cleaned Cliffy’s ears tonight and, as always, it is horrible. He hates it so much, it’s like torture! But…
+ His new Zukes treats arrived from amazon.com today and he got one after his ear cleaning as a treat. He totally, absolutely loved it! They are for 10-25 lb. dogs so we had to split his in half, and he got through it quicker than I thought he would, but he really got at it with his back teeth so hopefully it will keep them clean.

I write to discover what I know. – Flannery O’Connor

+ No appointments on Friday!
– Two appointments on Saturday. WTF doctors, Saturday is supposed to be my day off from keeping the medical professionals of the Hudson Valley in business!!
+ You might as well change “Friday” to “Gotshitdoneday” because I got.shit.done. I’m talking filing, bills, tax prep, dusting, dishes, countertops, et-motherfucking-cetera. It felt great to check things off the list, but I’m so off lately that I still feel overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted.
+/- New medication to try from psychiatrist to deal with the aforementioned continuous feelings of stress, overwhelmedness (new word), and exhaustion. Of course, I can’t start it until Monday when I hear back from the company who manufactures it and they hopefully confirm that it is gluten-free.
+ Catching up on Seasons 8 and 9 of Grey’s Anatomy is so freaking hilarious. To paraphrase a scene: “Meredith, you can do this! You have survived a plane crash, a bomb, a gunman, a bus crash, a boat crash, a car accident, cancer, an outbreak of Ebola, and all of that was just last week! You can have this baby in the dark during the storm of the century via c-section with no anesthesia because the show is named after you! I know you can do this!”
– I wish I could control my emotions better and not cry when the smoke clears and a doctor is slow-motion walking away from an exploding bus with a baby in his arms. It’s such a stupid show. Why can’t I NOT cry at that?!
+ My interlibrary loan books are in at the library! Fifteen books on open adoption, interracial adoption, the perspective of the birth parents, the adoptive extended family, and the child. When you’ve trained in research like I have, everything you do becomes a project with a bibliography. C’est la vie avec Joan!
– French. Grrrrrrrr. Why do I love it so much when it has hurt me so deep?
– I’m still not getting answers on what’s going on with Cliffy. His breath smells indicate something serious is going on with his kidneys or liver and his liver panels came back with issues, but I can’t get the doctor to give me an answer on what’s the next step because she wants to hear from the neurologist before she proceeds and the neurologist considers this no longer her wheelhouse since his seizures were caused by liver encephalopathy, not neurological issues. UGH. I just want him to feel better. And to live forever.
+ I started working on our Christmas card for 2014! That felt good!
+ Todd made me gluten free muffins with craisins this morning and they weren’t terrible! The texture is a little gritty (I think it’s the rice flour that always does that) but they actually were crumbly and moist and the flavor was dead-on! He used the King Arthur Flour brand GF Vanilla Muffin Base mix. Whoop there it is!
+/- Chris March got kicked off Project Runway: Allstars on this week’s episode, and on the one hand I’m very sad because I love him but on the other hand his shit was bananas (b-a-n-a-n-a-s) so I totally get it.

As you may well know, I have issues with food. I’ve been gluten-free since February but still not feeling better. I did this experimental blood test to see if there were other foods that could be causing issues, and it came back with positive results for chocolate, soy, rice, corn, casein, oats, and egg yolks. Just say it. I know what you want to say.

So what the hell can you eat??

The only way to see if any of those were causing problems is an elimination diet, literally, to eliminate that food from your diet, see if you feel better, and then voila! If you feel better, you quit that bitch. If you don’t, you try another one. So, I was supposed to give up corn and dairy for all of October and November.

And I was doing it, I swear! Hand to god! I actually even made it through halloween, for serious, though it made it the lamest halloween ever because the only candy I could have were these ginger-flavored hard candies Todd found me.

Then November rolled around, and…….I can’t. We went to a Mexican restaurant during Hudson Valley Restaurant Week and I was actually considering ordering a burrito bowl without cheese or sour cream when it finally hit me. NO. That is wrong. You cannot do that to a fine specimen of Mexican-American cuisine such as the tortilla-less burrito. I was already bastardizing it by doing away with the tortilla because god has forsaken me with this obnoxious Celiac Disease and prevented me from ever eating delicious food again. But no cheese?? No margarita?? (Corn syrup) No cheese??

So, I quit quitting that bitch, which is to say, I am happily eating dairy and corn again. Maybe after the holidays…

I’m so nervous that they’re making this into a movie. In some ways, it’s exciting, it’s Rachel McAdams, Marion Cotillard, Jeff Bridges, that’s good. It’s a French production, that’s good. It’s going to be an animated film, that’s I DON’T KNOW!!!! The director also directed Kung Fu Panda, that’s great! And a Weird Al video in the 90’s, that’s fun! James Franco’s in it, that’s SUSPICIOUS! Bud Cort is in it, that’s crazy and obscure and awesome (remember, people, he was Harold in Harold & Maude). I found a Japanese trailer for the film, but it’s hard to know what’s going on without knowing Japanese, though it does look a little like claymation, which is awesome!

What do you think???

Today’s +/-‘s

+ Met a tall man outside the Salvation Army today when I was dropping off donations from my closet clean-out. He was tall like Toddy, so I asked him what size shirt and shoes he needed, and he was a perfect match for most of Todd’s donations, including 8 polos, a jacket and a pair of Merrell trail boots. That felt good!

– Allergic reaction to something on the Holter heart monitor (god-knows-what, it wasn’t the adhesive) has hives all over my chest burning and itching like crazy. FUN!

+/- 2 Cavities discovered today. It’s bad except that considering how little I’ve cared for my teeth in the past 5 years, it’s actually remarkable! Hence the +/- rating.

+ Todd went to the DMV and got us change of address stickers for our licenses while I was getting my teeth cleaned. It only took us 3 years…

+ I ate at Five Guys Burgers & Fries today for the first time since getting diagnosed with Celiac Disease in February. I’ve finally built up my courage to ask for special orders and request glove changes and talk people through the preparation of my food. So worth it! Also, I got a Banana/ Salted Caramel/ Peanut Butter milkshake and it was CRAZY. You know what, that deserves its own +.

+ My milkshake creation at Five Guys, Banana/ Peanut Butter/ Salted Caramel. It was “sickatating,” as we used to say when we were kids.

+ Dropped off three computer monitors to Staples for donation. I discovered that our fine city of Poughkeepsie actually charges $4 an item for electronic recycling but it’s free—no duh—at Staples. Finally getting rid of some of the computer dead waste that is all over our apartment.

+ Found a quality brand of dental chews for Cliffy finally, Zukes, and ordered them on amazon.com. We’ll see if he likes them (he will, they’re food). I like them because they have no fillers or meat products or meat flavoring, all things Cliffy can’t have.

+ Ordered Cliffy more meds and food today because I’m on my dog-mom A game today.

+ Worked on my secret Christmas present project for Toddy….

+ Worked with Mom on a secret present for Dad….

Today’s Breakdown

TV: It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Season 1; Grey’s Anatomy, Season 9

MOVIE: Walkout (2006)

DOCTORS: (1) Acupuncture in the morning, and (2) a teeth cleaning in the afternoon = a light appointment day for me. Oh wait…I was wearing a Holter heart monitor today, so it WAS actually a regular Joan day.